Standing up straight

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if given the choice of going for your dreams or not, would you try or would you stay comfortable?

I have always done things the hard way in life. I don’t mean my life was terrible or difficult, quite the opposite. I just mean that if there are two ways to achieve a goal or to accomplish a task I always seem to take the way that is harder or more complicated. Even in the simple things, like ordering coffee. Lan always makes fun of me and how ridiculous it sounds when I order something from Starbucks. I guess the little person inside of my mind has always been suited to the customized Hong Kong food order 🙂 I don’t know if its the fact I like challenges, or that my mind analyses things differently, or that I just want to figure things on my own but I crave simplicity and always end up with complexity.

There’s something I want right now. It’s always been a dream of mine and there’s a chance I could do it and excel in it. There’s also a chance that I could fail and then the idea of it would be crushed forever in my mind. I’m a pretty resilient person. When I had my eval for going to China pre-PFO, I sat down with the lady at Alongside to discuss my results. She said, well you are normal in all scales except one. My mind was racing about what I had scored ‘too high’ on. It ended up it was resilience. Not a bad thing I guess. Armed with this knowledge I know if i theoretically fail with trying to achieve this dream of mine, I’d be okay. But I’d hate myself even more if I don’t stand up straight and give it a go. I think this resilience comes from being a TCK and the fact my parents instilled in me a sense of courage when it came to “being a pioneer” or doing something new. I was a kid who did all sorts of activities …. Didn’t stick with many but enjoyed them all. Just the opportunity was enough for me. It didnt matter as a child if I ultimately would fail — I just never had that possibility of failure in my mind. That doesn’t sound quite like it should… I just mean I never took on anything that in my mind I thought I would fail at doing, so I never had the fear of failure. Things aren’t so black and white as an adult. *sigh*

When I was in my undergraduate studies, there was a lot of emphasis placed on your “calling” in life. I never quite felt comfortable with the terminology used ; it seemed to indicate if you didn’t succeed in what you were doing with your career choices that’s because you weren’t living up to the calling placed on you or walking directly in God’s will. I’m a teacher and so much of my profession is directly tied to my identity so ultimately if I failed as a teacher, I’d be failing as a person and failing as a follower of Christ. It was all new to me- this sudden concept of failing and I was afraid of it. I couldn’t walk straight with my head up confident in what I’d chosen to major in was my “calling” from God. With dealing with all the identity issues I was already facing, it was almost overwhelming. I remember many times crying in Mrs. Gill’s office about it. For as confident in something’s in my life, I was completely incompetent with confidence In other areas. My bachelor’s and first year teaching I began to chip away at those barriers slowly but surely. I do believe after much thought and now eight years of it, that teaching is something I am called to do. But the more we become instilled with the confidence of He who called us, the more we become humbled that it is only by his power and grace we exist. The more I become aware that there is so much I don’t know yet. The more and more that the experiences of observing and watching instead of speaking that I learned as a child serve me well as an ATCK. The more we experience grace , the less we understand of it.

So will I dive in to this momentary challenge of a chance for something I’ve dreamed about ? Do I believe I’m enough for it ? Do I believe He is enough for it ? I might not have all those answers today but I do know this…

The one who calls you is faithful, and He will continue to be faithful. 1 Thessalonians 5:24 ISV

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About CRIL

Here I am in an attempt to find healing, hope, truth, pain, beauty... here I stand with my arms open wide... I'm not settling for what I am... instead I am searching for what I am meant to become when all that is reflected through me is Him and His Glory... I am confident that the path He has set before me is both sorrow *and* joy... it is not up to me to determine which is which... (written by me when I was an undergrad... still true today)

One response »

  1. I’ve thought about ‘calling’ a lot as well. Written some on it too and have come to the same conclusion as you – The more we learn about ‘he who called us’ the more we confront his grace in the every day. I wrote this a while back: ” Threaded through each strand of our DNA is indeed a Call. A Call described best by the ever-challenging words of St. Augustine to “Love God and enjoy Him forever”. Only that Call is carefully entwined in our spiritual genetic code from head to toe, from heart to soul.” Thanks for this reminder today – I needed it.

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