My heart is light because after battling with feeling ill last weekend and then again this Friday and having a fever yesterday, I’m feeling much better today. Church this morning was light, a sense of peace and calm to counter-act all the business and frantic efforts of getting grades in for report cards that come out this week.
My heart is heavy because of someone who I care deeply about who needs Jesus to intervene in his life. I’m no where near him right now and the information coming in when we talk is most certainly not the full story. I can’t grasp how best to help him, and I know all that can help him is Jesus. Maybe if I was there… but then again, how would that help? I don’t have enough power or strength and all that I manage to do is only in HIS strength and by His power and the Holy Spirit’s movement.
It’s very easy these days to say “back home” when talking about three, four, even five different locations. I started putting it in quotes. It’s so tempting to say that things would be better with the situation my heart is heavy regarding if I was just “home”. But as I explained several months ago to him, that going back to Tennessee isn’t technically home either. It’s just another place I lived….. it’s one of the closest places in the world to be described as home, but it isn’t home. It’s even more tempting to want to feel ‘home’, especially as the holiday season begins. But I do feel home, I feel home here. It’s not my home and Korea never can be but I feel home and settled and loved.
Last Monday, I went upstairs for Cat’s Thanksgiving Dinner. We had a potluck of sorts, and we mingled about telling stories from when we were little and stories from last week. I asked about 3/4ths of the way through the night if we could go around and share what we were grateful for… not exactly knowing how or with what would I be able to describe the gratefulness that I have had lately. I decided not to go first and made someone else go (even though it was my idea!)
Eventually it came around to me and I was able to somewhat articulate the fact that what I most grateful for lately is the sense of living in the now. In the present. So much of my life, while yes, still living… it wasn’t always in the present. Wherever I was at the time, I was always thinking about how good things were in the past, or how much adventure would come in the next place I would live. This year, more so than any other autumn (my most reflective and pensive months), I find myself satisfied and okay with the simplicity and complexity of the now.
So although I am really concerned about my dear friend, I also know deep in my heart, there isn’t much I could do about it even if I was there. That’s the part I’m struggling with.
My heart is heavy and light.